


If Only

by Mercy_Summer



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Character Death, Erwin's there too, M/M, Pretty sad, actually yes character death, for like.., i guess, mmn, one word., sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-03
Updated: 2014-07-04
Packaged: 2018-02-07 07:15:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1889838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mercy_Summer/pseuds/Mercy_Summer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If only I had been stronger...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. If Only

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there,  
> This is my first fanfic wooo not really  
> First fanfic on ao3.. yea  
> Alright  
> Enjoy the angst

The snow crunches under my feet with each step I take. More of the soft, white substance falls down from the sky, melting upon my heated cheek. The icy wonderland spread out in front of me, seemingly endless as my boyfriend pulls me along the snow-covered path, with his friends. Eren's eyes sparkle as he scans the white landscape before him, in awe of the beauty.

 

But I thought differently. To me, winter was cold. Winter was white and black. Winter meant death. All I could see around me were twisted black trees against an infinitely white backdrop. There was no growth on them, and the ground cold, hard and bare of any vegetation. The animals were hiding away in their burrows and nests, away from this death. Exactly what I wanted to do.

 

"Isn't it pretty, Levi? The snow…" Eren said as he skipped down the path.

 

"Yes, nearly as pretty as you." I muttered back, earning a light laugh and a peck on my cheek. He prattled on about the snow and the pure white landscape as we walked further into the park.

 

"How about we set up here?" One of Eren's friends said, stopping at a snow covered park bench.

 

"Sure." Eren said as he let go of my hand to help push the snow off the seat.

 

I stood back and watched them take out a picnic cloth and baskets filled with food.

 

Throughout the whole meal, Eren was jumping up and down while stuffing his mouth full of sandwiches and salad. He soon got up to play in the snow surrounding us. It wasn’t long before his friends joined him, having snow fights and building snow men.

 

While they played on in the snow, I sat hunched over the table, pulling my parka close and taking sips out of my thermos filled with hot tea, watching their happy moment. At times like this, I wonder how in the world I came to be with Eren. He was just so bubbly and energetic and so utterly optimistic I honestly had no idea how I kept up with him, why I put up with him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Yes, especially at times like this did I think about Eren and I, as I sat in the cold and infinitely white room. Everything here was dead. Not even Eren would be able to find beauty in this.

 

I only understood why I put up with Eren now. Why I needed Eren. His energy and optimism balanced out my pessimistic views. I had always felt alive while with Eren. He was just so perfect and beautiful and bright in my dull, lonely world. He was the light that brought colour into my world. But now I only feel the chilling cold, and death.

 

I brought my hands to my eyes and whispered to myself,

 

“If only…”

 

 

* * *

 

 

It was already dark by the time Eren and his friends had finished with the snow. We walked back to the cars, leaving everything with Eren's friends. Just as we said our goodbye's for the day, we were stopped by one of Eren's friends.

 

"Hey, are you sure you guys will be alright? You know that being… gay isn't really accepted by many people here, right?"

 

"Yeah yeah. Besides it's just a short, five minute walk back to our apartment from here. We'll be fine." Eren said.

 

"Okay, if you say so. Just be safe, it's already late."

 

"Yeah, sure." Eren nodded at his friend before pulling me away from the cars and out of the parking lot.

 

We walked down the dark streets, hand in hand, pulling our scarves closer to ourselves. I listened to Eren chirping on about today. The snow, the sky, the fun.

 

We turned a corner onto our road and before I knew it, I heard a high pitched, blood curdling scream before Eren's grip loosened. Just as I turned around to see what was going on, something hit me on the head.

 

Then there was nothing.

 

 

* * *

 

 

So here I am, in a mental asylum, kept under lock and key all day and all night. I was a bird trapped in a cage. Helpless, and pitifully so.

 

If only I had been more attentive. If only I had been fast enough. If only I had been stronger.

 

If only I had protected Eren.

 

I grit my teeth as the tears threaten to spill over.

 

I look up as the door to my room rattles and opens as a man in a white coat walks in, carrying an equally white clipboard.

 

"Hello, Levi. We've finally finished analysing your tests results. And besides your little sexuality problem, we have also diagnosed you with severe depression. Treatment will start tomorrow." The doctor said proudly.

 

I could only glare down at my hands, also a pasty white, as another wave of sorrow crashed over me.

 

A hand lightly brushed my shoulder before I flinched away.

 

"Don't worry Levi, we'll fix you."

 

 

 

I didn’t want to be fixed.

 

 

 

I just wanted to be free.

 

 

 

I just wanted to see the colour and the beauty of the outside world.

 

 

 

But I couldn’t.


	2. Doctor's Report

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy your free holiday down angsty lane.  
> The trip comes with complimentary tissues.

I have been observing patient Levi for a very long time. For the last 3 years, I have gone to his room once a week, and every time, he tells me the story of the day he lost his loved one, Eren. He doesn’t seem to remember any of my previous visits though, despite the accurate recall of the day.

 

The only thing is, he also doesn’t seem to remember the fact that he killed Eren.

  

He had gone crazy for a moment and hit Eren upside the head with a metal thermos he was holding, cracking his skull and causing a brain haemorrhage . A passer-by on the street caught this and knocked him out the next moment before calling the police. 

 

Past investigations have revealed that Levi always had a mental problem, and on that night, he gave in to it.

 

Levi will not be released from the asylum anytime soon, and will most likely stay here until his death. He is too dangerous and unstable both to the general public and himself.

 

This is the last report I will be writing on Levi.

 

 

_~_ _Dr. Smith_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so done.  
> This was actually heavily inspired by a game called 'The Company of Myself'  
> You can find it on Kongregate games.  
> Go play it..


End file.
